The Real: My Journey from 2018

2018…where do I start. It was a crazy year, a year that I sort of regret but then I realize I needed it to grow. Well, I graduated last May with my Master’s in Digital Media. It was a difficult journey but well worth it. But that’s when I learned how difficult real life is after college. I spent several months in a deep, deep depression; wishing to die, hoping I wouldn’t wake up, feeling like a failure all in one. I had achieved all these things and the idea I had of instantaneously starting my career became just a dream.

A part of me had this crazy of idea of running off with just a dollar and a dream (yes, that’s a J.Cole reference) and I believed I would survive. I visited Brooklyn to get my mind cleared and get away from my life back home. I used what little money I had left over from financial aid and applied towards a plane ticket to join a former classmate and see what he had going on. I enjoyed my time out there but I still felt empty. I lost trust in “friends” and noticed the distance between us became bigger. It became odd to me that college was the only thing that kept our bond and once it was over, I saw who my friends really were and who was an associate. I tried to figure out what made me really decide to hop on a plane and visit New York a second time, but once I got back on the plane to head back to Texas, reality sunk in. Here I am, fresh out of college with two degrees, but no real job in my career. Slowly, I started acting out more and becoming angry at life, even at God if you want to be honest. I felt like I did everything for nothing.

So, a month and a few weeks pass and I decided to hop back on a plane to California with my best friend and to meet my potential roommate. We visited L.A. and let me tell you, I loved it. It was somewhere I could see myself finding or making a hustle; I considered getting headshots, doing commercials and working odd jobs just to prove that I would be successful. Well, after our visit out there, reality set in again but this time, money was lookin’ funny. My car failed me and I could barely find a decent paying job in my hometown; I had to get a new car with high ass insurance and a car note (which by the way, I never had to pay a car note in my entire life so this is still a new struggle for me) and I had credit card debt out the ass. It obvious of where my mind was starting to think….

It wasn’t until I put a knife on the side of my bed to kill myself that I really realized I had reached a new low in my life. I was going to kill myself because my life hadn’t turned out as planned and I couldn’t find a job in my field to save my life. It became dark…..I hated the happiness I saw on social media of people getting promotions and new job offers and here I was with a whole master’s and wasn’t shit (in my eyes).

Eventually, my feelings of depression became like a black cloud. I could feel that I was carrying around negative energy and people started to distance themselves away from me. I had to stop the toxic thinking or I was going to eventually end everything. I started meditating, writing positive affirmations, praying more and seeing the good in some things. If I had in fact moved to California with barely 6 months rent in my pocket (you know Cali’s lifestyle is outrageous), I probably would be sleeping in my new car and pinching $20 just to get me through the week. I realized had a gotten a job within my field as a news reporter, I probably wouldn’t be excited about getting called in around 2 a.m. to report a murder and then returning for the evening news. I went to school for it but there was something different I wanted out of life than being a news reporter. Deep down, I know that I belong in front of a camera doing what I love, but the avenue to get there is still quite murky.

I cut off toxic individuals in my life who overstayed their welcome and I started to feel at peace about doing that. For years, I was made to feel inferior, unimportant or “too much” for these people and came to the conclusion that life would be so much better without them in it.

To wrap up 2018, I would definitely say that it has taught me a few things:

1.      Put GOD first!!! (I cannot stress how important it is to just spend 2-10 minutes out of the day reading a scripture, listening to your favorite gospel song or having a mini-conversation with Him)

2.      Never put anyone on a pedestal even if you think highly of them

3.      Life will not go as planned right away but in order to ensure your dreams come true, you need to put some type of action to it. PERIOD.

4.      Don’t put your future in someone else’s hands: find mentors/friends/people who genuinely put action to connect with you and help you without belittling you in the process

5.      Speak positive affirmations and BELIEVE them. (write them down daily if you have to. You become WHAT you think)

6.      Be confident and think of yourself in the highest way possible.

7.      Find a hobby and do it for the hell of it. If only one person supports you, ten people support or no one supports, still do your thing!

8.      Treat yourself the way you want to be treated.

9.      Spend time trying new things by yourself and making it a habit to practice self-care

10.  BE FREE!!! BE YOU & ROCK IT!

As for 2019, I’m carrying positive vibes and making steps to ensure my dream comes true. For this month, I have learned that I am truly growing and not caring how or what people think of me. I’m becoming the badass version of myself and walking, talking and dressing like I know I’m the shit. You should too and don't ever apologize for it.